Just random words

So, everyday i get to work and find myself opening up blognation… Logging onto Just Random Words… clicking on New Posts – and nothing.

There are many things i want to say… Or at least i think i want to say. I could blog about the fact i have no underwear to wear at the moment, or i would do another list, or the movies i’d seen lately, or the bottle of wine i shared with the boy i once loved who’s wife has left him, or i could blog about the fact i have no fucking idea what to do about my trip overseas, or i could even do another MEME.

But it all seems so bullshit like. So, hmmm.. blah blah blah.

The problem is… everything i’m feeling right now is so very real. So very hectic. So very WTF?! At the moment i’m pretty much like JHB weather. Happy, sad, excited and pretty much in tears… all in one day.

Naturally – i’d love to blame hormones, and claim that the menopause is back… but this would be a lie – and a pretty bad one.

I’m happy… but i’m not happy… i feel trapped, almost claustrophobic. Like i want to scream.. like i don’t want to be where i am now. Like i’m wasting time.

But i have to be here.

This weekend i explained my self, my mind to someone as an old fashion clocking system. All my ideas/thoughts/friends/people/projects on the one side… in those neat clocking card holders… and the big clocking machine on the other side. And when i check out… i simply enter card and punch.

And it’s over. Time to move on.

I’m confused… because do is stay or do i go… I’ve left before… and i came back. How many times can you do that…?! How many times can you just leave… and decide you want to come back.

Or is this simply who i am…