*sigh*

There are of course a few reasons for this. Mainly of course…

Thumbelina.

As sore as all fuck. I have never before in my life had stitches before.

(I might have mentioned this before in a previous blog – but i forget, it's the pain. Do forgive me.)

I have to two things to mention before i get to the breakfast.. One is – you'll never realise HOW very important your thumbs are, until you can't use one! Opening stuff, moving stuff, squeezing stuff.. all rather impossible.

Thank god it wasn't my preferred masturbating hand is all i can say!

Secondly… Because the world loves me.. i happened to have A grade PMS earlier this week… in fact, up until yesterday afternoon. Thank all things good – it's now over.

Right, on to the breakfast…

At Doppio's… with one of my dearest dearest friends who lives in the UK. Her and her boyfriend are out here visiting the family and me of course. We had such a gorgeous breakfast out in the sun.

Wait. I actually think we ended up ordering lunch, as we sat chatting for ages…

Lets see if i can remember what we were talking about.

• My life when i lived in London
• Things we did in London
• The fact that, if i hadn't gone to London – her and i would NEVER be friends. (Not because of the logistical reason.. simple because we're so different.. she is all tattoo'd up, with a lipring and listens to strange music… and well.. i have no tattoos and only holes in my ears and adore Michael Buble.)
• Her Gorgeous boyfriend, his fabulous jokes, and the fact he is such a nice guy. (He was at the table at this point)
• My need to date Gorgeous men who tell fabulous jokes and are nice guys.
• The current relationship situations i put myself in.
• Telling my father about my trip
• Telling her mother how annoyed she makes her.
• We both decided regarding parents… we are… at times pussies.

And on and on it went…

And now i find myself faced with this sunday – and no one to have breakfast with!?

Slicing a very very EVIL onion.

I ended up slicing my finger. 

Surprisingly – it wasn't that sore.. in fact, as it happened, i thought to myself… bugger, i better go get a plaster. 

But, as I'd sliced from the ONE side of my thumb to the OTHER… it required stitches.

FIVE stitches.. I'll have you know.

And now my finger has it's own little condom.

Needless to say.. on the MOST stressful day of the god damn month… this has left me rather annoyed and quite miserable.

FML…

The University of life so to speak. I'd like to think i've learn a few lessons so far…

From… don't touch that – that's HOT and it will BURN (pretty easy one to learn)… to don't EAT that, it's not worth the strain on your jeans (Still learning that one). Also things like, seating plans at dinner parties are essential, Rehidrat can make all the difference, standing up straight, shoulders back, boobs out, chin up in photos makes all the difference. 

With the ending of my last 'relationship' – I find myself wondering if this is in fact a lesson I'm meant to be learning?! Something the world is attempting to teach me. A lesson which relates to that habit i 'may' have of putting myself in impossible relationship situations.

Impossible how you may wonder….?!? Well, lets just say…. I tend to put myself in positions with say… married men… men who happen to be rather older than i am… men who are not looking for relationships… and well, men i would not take home to my parents.

They all are… in their own way quite fabulous men. And there are one or two of them who i do love. A lot. But that's it. I love them, as my impossible relationships. I wouldn't want them any other way.

I have this divine ability to separate my heart from my head, and the head leads. So, i can say with out doubt – that i love. With all my heart. In fact, every man i ever loved.. owns a part of my heart. My memories… and has in some way has defined who i am today.

And of course, I do this with these men… because these men are safe. They would never put any pressure on me, there are no demands. It is simply what it is. And i suppose much of it happens on my terms, my comfort zones…

*Enter lesson 2927/2010 stage left*

JHBP Needs to stop putting herself in impossible relationship situations.

Which is of course… not really easy for me. I crave the excitement, the challenge… the chase. Not to mention interesting, confident, challenging men.

So, right now… I have one times lesson and no times concept of how to go about dealing with this lesson.

*sigh*

I'm not feeling either of those three.

Altho, i have to go… my toes look quite similar to a Benoni hooker on half price tuesdays. And if you happen to know my toes.. this is QUITE out of the norm. Poor toes. They do need a little love.

The wax. Meh…  I'm not getting laid ATM.

Does the vag deserve the pain if there is no pleasure lined up?!

Tonight she was meant to go out with druggie m**. I'm cooking dinner for the family…and obviously she wouldn't be joining us.

Now of course dm has cancelled.

I get: "I'll be there for dinner… But don't worry. I'll have toast."

*Sigh*

**let's not get excited. Its just the usual desperate housewife drugs.

I had spent the day with my mum – a little shopping.. a little lunch..Afternoon tea… And funny enough – we'd been to PnP in the afternoon to get a few things… Naturally i replied to @picknpay with this.

And would you believe.. i won! 

Now.. not quite being a 'home maker'… or into sharing, i remembered that PnP has a delightful little clothing section – where're sure to ALWAYS find a gem. 

Being Bargain Betty, this turned me on no end… and off i went..

I bought a little black dress.. I'm not sure it would do for a formal formal evening out – but easy enough to dress up and dress down. Perfect for my little European adventure.

A Grey cardie.. quite gorgeous.. perfect for spring, nice and light – in fact I'm wearing it right now!

A white peasant like top… I think this might be quite lovely with black bra, black heels and jeans… 

I also took a grey(ish) tshirt with squinces on – which ended up looking rather insipid on… she must go back! Oh yes.. i was left with about R100 change i think….

So – Thank you very much PnP – i had much fun with my voucher…!!

* After yesterday's rather emo post… i thought it best to do something which excites me and which I'm thankful for. Maybe i should do this more often, to remind myself. (The thanking… Okay – the winning would be nice too.)

So, i have moments.. days.. where i feel the sky happens to be falling in. Where things are SO bad.. life is SO impossible.. i'm SO awful… I've done nothing with my life.. I'm never going to do anything… . Blah. Blah. Blah. I look forward to the future…. and i see this lonely miserable older person. All alone. Full of regret.

More often than not.. these moods last a few hours, a DAY at the most. And then we're fine.. All is good. We realise that we're prone to exaggeration.. that I'm 26… that i've done, and i continue to do fabulous things… My life is pretty good and exciting on most days.

Except…. right now – we're moving into day TWO.

I've had this miserable, the world is falling on my head – my life is sad… I'm all alone and no one loves me feeling – since sunday night(!!).

This morning i forced myself out of bed… to gym. As this tends to help. 

I of course get to the gym, swipe my tag and walk in. But that's as far as i got.. i looked around at all the happy, smiling people and had one of those… 'fuck this' moments.

I went for coffee.

A little chat with myself. A little pep talk… or maybe more of a pull your shit towards your shit kinda talk.

And it came to me… like a bolt of lightening in the dead of the night….I know what the issues are, if I'm dead honest… i really do.

I'm a procrastinator. I really am. I am a 'l lets deal with it at the last minute' kinda girl. I don't 'feel' like it right now kinda girl. With an attention span of a guppy fish. This coupled with the fact that… i just don't 'do' commitment – leaves me well. Floating from one thing to another. Never REALLY committing myself to much. [*sight*]

Enter Chicken Little complex. 

Quite simply.. i need a Todo list*. Write what needs to be done down… put it all into perspective – and do what i can. Make an effort to deal with the NB things… and learn to plan. I need to remember the lists i made.. .

This advice i gave myself… all for the nice price of R19.45.

*sigh*.

Today – I exhaust me.

*Why is it that … i know that TODO lists work for me… and when i do them i feel on top of everything… but then i stop. And well then.. I'm not. WTF.

I do love this venue sitting under the trees.. the sun… people.. often people bring their dogs.. So, lovely. Of course there is my fear of bird crap in my coffee… but oh well.. just a little bit of JHB nature.

This week we discussed things such as 

• Places in JHB we've had sex, got lucky, felt up or had a pretty good kisses.
• I could have won.
• It might have been with the sex in the park.
• Felt up at Monte, Emperors, a few restaurants.
• We discussed which sex gets more sex. [undecided]
• Kissing after oral sex.. and how one of us received a black eye due to this. [Not Me]
• According to V… (who is in a relationship) being in a relationship this doesn't guarentee sex. [M and I were confused.]

They did manage to rag me slightly as i didn't want to take my sun glasses off due to my slight hang over from the dinner party the night before. 

I sit at my desk only to hear admin girl one snapping at admin girl two who was trying to tell her something.. "I'm busy." She snaps for the second time.. If i had the energy I would have snapped "I'm busy, is only a acceptable response if you're paying the salaries around here!!". I'm over it.

I watched as admin girl searched around for something that seems to be 'lost' from a customer. Needless to say, Admin girl one and techie boy one happened to be no help at all. When of course, between the three of them – they fucking lost it. Over it.

I have a staff meeting with my children at 1pm.

I might bring that forward to 12pm…. 

And simply send everyone home after.

For my sanity.

*The coffee shop, not the city.

So… now is the time to start the preplanning i guess.. figure out which visa i need.. where to apply for it… Get my international drivers license. Book hotels where we know for sure we'll be.

The admin part of the trip.

So far… the plan is… Land in Amsterdam.. spend the night and following day there… explore.. and be a real tourist. Head to Belgium friday evening, relax and hang out there… Head for for a couple of days to Lake Lugano… head back to Belgium.. via Venice Milan… a night or two there… Off to Hamburg the following monday… spend the night there.. back tuesday…. and back to SA that thursday.

I lie… the only part of the plan which is set in stone… is the night in Amsterdam, the over night in Hamburg and the fact that Belgium is the base…

Otherwise I'm open to your suggestions…

And… yes, i am now VERY excited if you're wondering.